Loneliness

Nature did not construct human beings to stand alone. . . . Those who have never known the deep intimacy and intense companionship of happy mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give. Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives. (Russell 1929, 122–123)

To shed light on Bertrand Russell's proposition that love is the principle means to escape from loneliness, this entry will examine the links between loneliness and the family. In thinking about loneliness in a family and life cycle perspective, several questions come to mind. What is the relationship between marriage and loneliness? Is loneliness passed from parents to their children and, if so, how? From birth to death are there predictable fluctuations in loneliness due to parents and their children's life stages? Is it true, as is frequently depicted, that the loss of intimate relationships leads to loneliness? Since the mid-1970s social scientists have published a growing number of studies addressing these questions (Ernst and Cacioppo 1999).

Concept and Prevalence

Contemporary social scientists have defined loneliness as the unpleasant experience that occurs when a person's network of social relationships is deficient in some important way, either quantitatively or qualitatively (Peplau and Perlman 1982, p. 4). According to this conceptualization, loneliness stems from a discrepancy between the level of social contact a person needs or desires and the amount she or he has. The deficits can be in the person's intimate relationships, as Russell's quote implies, leading to emotional loneliness or in the individual's broader network of relationships leading to social loneliness (Weiss 1973). In either case, loneliness is a subjective experience—people can be alone without being lonely or lonely in a crowd.

Loneliness is widely prevalent. Although loneliness appears to occur in virtually all societies, its intensity varies by culture. In an eighteen-country survey (Stack 1998), the United States was in the top quarter of countries in terms of average levels of loneliness. Perhaps this in part reflects the individualistic, competitive nature of life in the United States. Individuals in European social democracies such as the Netherlands and Denmark were least lonely. Sociologists have associated national differences in loneliness with differences in social integration. The Dutch, for example, are socially well-integrated in terms of having more people in their social networks, such as being involved in civic organizations and volunteer work and receiving emotional support.

Loneliness and Marriage

One cultural universal found in a multinational study (Stack 1998) was that married men and women are less lonely than their unmarried counterparts. Cohabitation also buffered individuals from loneliness but not as much as marriage. When the unmarried are categorized into subgroups (never married, separated or divorced, widowed), the results vary somewhat by study. The general tendency appears to be for single people to be less lonely than the divorced or widowed (Perlman 1988, Table 3). In at least one Dutch study, single parents were also a group high in loneliness. Overall, loneliness seems to be more a reaction to the loss of a marital relationship rather than a response to its absence.

Differences in loneliness as a function of marital status can be explained either in terms of selection or what marital relationships provide. If selection is operating it means that the people who marry are different and would avoid loneliness even in the absence of getting married. This explanation is difficult to definitively test, although it is challenged to some extent by the relatively low levels of loneliness among never married respondents. The second view implies that the more the marital relationships provide, the less lonely the partners should be. Consistent with this explanation, low marital satisfaction is associated with greater loneliness. Similarly, compared with individuals who confide in their spouses, married individuals who talk most openly about the joys and sorrows of their lives with somebody besides their spouse are more prone to being lonely. One can conclude from the evidence that when marriages are working well, they provide partners with ingredients that buffer them from loneliness.

Parents, Children, and Loneliness

Social scientists frequently debate questions of heredity versus the environment. In the origins of loneliness, both appear to have a role. Consistent with there being an inherited component to loneliness, in a 2000 study (McGuire and Clifford 2000) both siblings and twins had some similarity in their levels of loneliness, but the similarity was greater for identical twins than for either fraternal twins or singleton siblings.

Researchers have also checked for an association between parents and their children in the likelihood of being lonely. Working with older parents (85 or older) and their mid-life children, M. V. Long and Peter Martin (2000) did not find evidence of intergenerational similarity. In contrast, J. Lobdell and Daniel Perlman (1986) administered questionnaires to 130 female undergraduates and their parents. As expected, they demonstrated that the parents' loneliness scores were modestly correlated with those of their daughters. Of course, such an association could be explained by either genetic or environmental factors.

To explore possible psychosocial factors, Lobdell and Perlman also had the university students in their study rate their parents' marriages and childrearing practices. Lonely students depicted their parents as having relatively little positive involvement with them. This is one of several studies showing the cold, remote picture of parent-child relations reported by lonely young adults. They also saw their parents as having lower than average marital satisfaction. This finding compliments other studies showing that children whose parents divorce are at risk for loneliness, especially if the divorce occurs early in the child's life. These findings can be interpreted within an environmental framework. In sum, the work on the origins of loneliness suggests that both genetic and family factors each play a role in levels of loneliness, although nonfamilial environmental influences are likely also critical.

The parental contribution to children's loneliness is not simply a one-time input. Instead, loneliness bidirectionally intertwines with parent-child relations over the life-cycle. A first noteworthy lifespan phenomenon is that in the transition to parenthood, women who are lonely during their pregnancy are at higher risk for postpartum depression.

In infancy, children are highly dependent upon their parents and caretakers. As they get older, peer relations become more important. Along with this shift comes a shift in what type of relations are most closely linked with loneliness. In the middle elementary years, it is the quality of children's relationships with their mothers. In late adolescence, it is the quality of university students' relationships with their peers.

Concerning more mature children, Pauline Bart (1980) has analyzed how children's leaving home affects middle-aged mothers. She concluded that women who adopt the traditional role of being homemakers devoted to their children are prone to experience greater loneliness and depression when their children leave home than are women less invested in a maternal, homemaker role.

For many people, one perceived benefit of having children in the first place is the notion that they will provide comfort and support in old age. As far as loneliness goes, there is evidence challenging this view. Tanya Koropeckyj-Cox (1998) looked at older adults with and without children. Contrary to common belief, the results didn't show a clear advantage of having children. A second line of research has examined whether family or friends are more strongly associated with avoiding loneliness in old age. Martin Pinquart and Silvia Sorensen's (2001) meta-analysis, a technique for statistically combining the results of several studies, shows the primary role of friends as opposed to family members in buffering seniors from loneliness.

Relationship Endings and Loneliness

Having examined separation and loss in parent-child relationships, what happens when these phenomena occur in romantic relations? As young adult dating relationships end, presumably both partners experienced a decline in the social aspects of their lives. But in many couples, one person initiates the breakup whereas the other is "left behind." Charles Hill, Zick Rubin, and Letitia Peplau (1976) found that the initiators suffered significantly less loneliness than the partners who were spurned. Perhaps having control over such life changes helps reduce the distressing effects of loosing a partner.

After their young adult dating experiences, many individuals marry and eventually end those unions via divorce. In one study (Woodward, Zabel, and Decosta 1980) fifty-nine divorced persons were asked when, and under what circumstances, they felt lonely. For these respondents, the period of greatest loneliness occurred before (rather than after) the divorce decree became final. Both ex-husbands and ex-wives felt lonely when they felt out of place at a particular social event or excluded by others. For ex-wives, loneliness was also triggered when (1) they wanted to join an activity but were unable to do so; (2) they had no one with whom to share decision-making responsibilities and daily tasks; (3) they felt stigmatized by being divorced; and (4) they had financial problems.

A University of Tulsa study involving seventy-four men and women compared the divorce experiences of lonely versus nonlonely individuals. Lonely individuals blamed more of the marriage's problems on their former spouse. They also had more difficulties in their relationships with their ex-partners. They argued more over childrearing, felt less affection, and had less friendly interactions. In terms of adjusting to separation, lonely respondents drank more, experienced greater depression, and felt more cut-off from their friends. They spent more time with their children and were less likely to become romantically involved with a new partner.

For many North Americans, marriage lasts "till death do us part." If relationships end via death of a spouse, U.S. Census data show a 5 to 1 sex ratio with women predominantly being the individual left widowed. Helena Lopata (1969) has identified several ways that widows miss their husbands. For example, when their spouse dies, women lose a) a partner who made them feel important; b) a companion with whom they shared activities; c) an escort to public encounters as well as a partner in couple-based socializing; and d) a financial provider who enabled them to participate in more costly activities and enjoy a more expensive lifestyle. With such losses, it is not surprising that loneliness is a major problem in bereavement.

Robert Hansson and his associates (1986) found a general tendency for greater loneliness to be associated with a maladaptive orientation toward widowhood. Prior to the death of their husbands, the lonely widows engaged in less behavioral rehearsal (e.g., finding jobs, getting around on their own) for widowhood and instead engaged in more rumination about the negative consequences of their spouse's impending death. At the time of their spouse's death, subsequently lonely widows experienced more negative emotions and felt less prepared to cope. Lonely widows were also less likely to engage in social comparison with widowed friends.

If a spouse dies unexpectedly, loneliness is especially pronounced. To overcome loneliness, widows typically turn to informal supports (e.g., friends, children, and siblings) as opposed to formal organizations or professionals (e.g., their church, psychotherapists). In widowhood as in other transitions, time heals: Feelings of loneliness are greatest shortly after the loss of a spouse but decline over the months and years. As widows continue their lives, the quality of their closest friendship is more likely to be associated with their experiences of loneliness than is the quantity or quality of their quality of their closest kin relationship (Essex and Nam 1987).

Conclusion

In sum, the findings from contemporary social science research indicate that married individuals are less likely to be lonely. However, the picture is more complex than Russell's simple suggestion that love, at least as provided by marital and kin relations, provides a surefire escape from loneliness. At some ages and positions in life, kin relationships appear to be a less important aspect of the loneliness equation than friendships or other factors. Parents not only protect their children from being lonely but also they contribute to it. If siblings are close, they tend to be less lonely (Ponzetti and James 1997). Throughout adulthood, unsatisfying marriages and the endings of intimate relationships are associated with greater loneliness. Thus, it is not simply relationships but what happens in them that counts.

See also:Divorce:Effects on Couples; Friendship; Grief and Bereavement; Postpartum Depression; Separation Anxiety; Singles/Never-Married Adults; Single-Parent Families; Widowhood

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DANIEL PERLMAN